Notes to Self: October

Note to self: The shadows that linger from season to season are just asking to heal with you.

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Hey everyone,

I’ll be very honest and let you all know I was going to make a notice and say that today’s post was going to be postponed. Not due to an "unforeseeable circumstance.” 

I foresee the circumstance and it’s called seasonal depression.

I woke up this morning… in a state. Without getting into too many details while continuing to mark my digital footprint here, I was just feeling very very very off, and trying to remain balanced.

I breathed as my therapist instructed with some other somatic exercises, but still had to call her, (which is more than okay, btw.)

I had asked why is this happening, I thought I could do so well, and she said, “your shadows are adjusting to the season, and that is natural in grief and perseverance."

So I wanted to start with that. This month has shaped me up until the very last day, as the weather becomes brisk and bearing heavier coats, earlier sunsets and as many boosts of serotonin as possible.

Okay, let’s get into this month’s recap

I started off this month in a new space! It’s bigger, better and immediately cleanses my aura as soon as I arrive after a long day at work (no farming required 😉.) 

In my first weekend upon move in, I had the chance to celebrate a new friend’s birthday, who also writes a sick substack about the woes of nannying in an “Uptown Girls but make it fun awkward Black girly,” kinda way. It was a weekend typically out of any coming-of-age film. Typical sleepover snacks, candy and booze everywhere, in a garage with the comfiest cupholder seats in the world. The Dad cave turned into the den for a 3 hours Dungeons and Dragons sidequest, and there I was, suddenly feeling 16 again.

I never was allowed to sleepover or hang out at other people’s houses past 5 PM. My parents taught me that not everyone can be THAT much of a friend you have to be with them THAT late. I was sheltered, ironically, in a city full of 8 million people, but I got it. Still, in this moment, I had this moment where I was back in a space where I could unmask any professional shill mask I had on and wear my cape and Brujas hoodie, and just be me. It was nice, because it was just being me.

The weekend turned into any West Philly set of sidequests. The very next day, I got a call to do another friend’s makeup for a wedding before trying to attend the first annual “Performative Lesbian competition.” During these side quests, it was a series of 5 min car rides between houses, the pangs from the 34 trolley, and the layers of green to yellow to red. Fall had been settling in, and a new season in a new space had begun. 

It was kind to me, as it always has been. 

Post Ireland, I had thought about the growth I had experienced in such a short amount of time. It had been so catalyzing and yet feeling so divorced from everything else I had been trying to accomplish. I still was comparing my new space to that of friends with stories on their walls from art, trinkets and still feeling… behind. 

The feeling was placed into another part of my heart and holding down as much of it, with hope instead. I found myself in this mental frenzy for the past month, feeling like I have to rush. And now, as I say that, I still feel it. Still processing, still ruminating…

One of the major moments of this month was getting to host my mom in my new space for Temple’s Homecoming weekend. I don’t particularly care to hold my undergrad journey to anything close to pride. But, it is nice to have moments where your selfie , tourist within history fanatic who can’t stop asking for pictures in front of the trolley, you can’t help but feel 16 again. Like “yeah, this is cringe, but I will get over it.” 

The rest of the weekend put us in our favorite state, a good ole couch rot + decoration station at home. It reminded me no matter what was happening in the world, your tranquility is with the people you love and get to feel seen by and even watch a few good Halloween movies while doing it.

I wont say too much about No Kings, but I know one thing is for sure: it’s still a good day to fight for what’s right, but nevertheless, organize, organize, organize…

shoutout Ghetto Pat!

Speaking of Halloween! This month had felt particularly sobering in the media consumption department. First off, it had been tragic and yet, mystifying to hear about the passing of D’Angelo. He was a true pioneer in Neo-Soul, emphasizes Philly’s coolness in his famous hit ‘Brown Sugar,’ and has inspired me and so many of my homies.

It was hard to see him lose his battle to Cancer. Fuck Cancer!

best D’Angelo tribute, check out Pocket Flowers yall

Another artist that held me together, who I have been meaning to talk about for a VERY long time, has been the rising star, Olivia Dean.

Now I’ll be honest, I only found out about her through her brief encounter with Harry Styles, but since she allegedly shaded him in the song, “Nice to Each Other,” where she shouts my favorite line of all time, “I Don’t Want A Boyfriend!” I can see why she is becoming a household name.

I had been wanting to talk about Ms. Dean for a minute. Her bubbly yet distinct presence in a very competitive industry is a very grounding presence. For myself, what gravitated me towards her was the fact that she is embracing her journey with love.

I don’t usually talk about my journey with love, unless it’s with the familial or platonic (both important, don’t get me wrong, community is everything!) but in an age where partnership seems to be the real bag in this age where the apps and meet cutes are becoming so daunting, it’s nice to hear lyrics that describe the woes of dating, loving yourself and trusting to love in a romantic partnership.

I usually don’t like to dwell in those spaces. I have always admired the likes of women like Tracee Ellis Ross, independent, fearless, bold, and not needing to center partners. Even as there’s been growing discourse on why having a boyfriend is embarrassing nowadays and the resentment from conservative men over the rate of declines in childbirth amongst Gen Z, the idea of partnership, that I think Tracee and Olivia talk about in media and music, is that you should feel free and remain to be free. 

I have been struggling with that, I’ll admit. I grew up where I was positioned to have a family before I had a career, and even as I see the island of single-dom grow smaller in my life after seeing multiple engagements and pregnancy announcements, it can feel odd to not be legitimized for taking a different route, still. I’m still learning about rising into love with my life, with friends, family, lovers (as they come and go), and more. And softly, I hum “that Lady Lady, she’s the man.”

I think the one source of continuing to kick loneliness woes to the curb is going to the movies. 

This month, I got to see Guillermo Del Toro’s Frankenstein, and it was truly a delight to witness. I grew up watching the James Whale / Boris Karloff version, and was instantly spooked. Ironic to have it set during a time where there’s massive economic decline, and while there wasn’t a forewarning like in The Great Depression version, it was very moving to see so many impressive performances on a big screen, instead of the streaming service it is still meant to be sent to.

best shot of the decade.

Needless to say, my six year old self was very satisfied.

The rest of this month has been adjusting to the seasons. I sit, well stand, before you,  getting tipsy, playing a D&D off-shoot, laughing, livin and lovin, lol.

Thanks for reading and stay tuned for next month’s substack, where I will be in Australia 🇦🇺 

stay safe Halloween Hotties

Take care!